Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Winter Weather

More winter weather for us here in rural Virginia. We got tons of snow and then this ice storm. Luckily it wasn't as much ice as they were calling for. Children are off to school on time and everything is starting to melt. Fine by me! I don't like icy conditions at all! Give me all the snow you've got but I'll pass on the ice :-)

RCIC classes were cancelled last night. I was kinda bummed because I had fried up 5 lbs of ground beef to take taco meat. We'll be eating lots of ground beef dishes this week!

The rite of Welcome was Sunday. I cannot remember if I posted about it. It was lovely. I felt something which is very good. I don't know why I keep hoping to feel something and I know I shouldn't but I did. I felt very peaceful, special and loved. Very nice.

I only have one sad little ornament on my Jesse tree! I need to get to work on that today. I'm trying to get the dining room cleared out so we can make finishing touches and put up the full sized tree. It's taking me longer than I thought. That seems to be the story of my life lately! I have time though so it's all good.

Answer to prayer - I have been praying for my husband to find a job that he enjoys, is good at (you know a feel good job!) and that will support us. I know, alot to ask! His last check was tiny. We are in pretty bad financial trouble because of my decision to stay out of work. But! He gets a call from the owner of the restaurant that he works at yesterday telling him she wants to sit down and meet with him next week. She doesn't want to lose him (a few of them know he was looking for a more full time job) and that she wants to discuss what he needs (monetary) to keep him there! Thanks be to God!

I don't know how much I have posted about my decision to quit my job... I had a fabulous job with Verizon Wireless in sales. I loved this job with all my heart. I was darn good at it, had high hopes for working my way up into management. I was just good! I was learning, working, covering for people, attending trainings and feeling so good about myself!

Then I started having these weird episodes. I would feel like I was going to pass out, faint, I was shaky, hot, pulse racing etc. I went to the ER twice and had all the tests run for heart attack, stroke etc. I was scared to death. I went on short term disability and saw a neurologist, I had a CAT scan, MRI, EEG, EKG and a gazillion blood tests. I was convinced I had a tumor, MS or some other neurological disorder.

After all the testing everything came back normal. Normal!? I had made an appointment with a neuropsychologist and it became painfully clear that I was not dealing with a neurological disorder but more likely some time of panic or anxiety disorder. I was crushed! This wasn't in my brain but it sure was in my head! I was started on panic and depression meds. Now my panic episodes are pretty much gone. I don't get the big ones anymore. However, my depression is so much worse. I was told to go back to work but was still having episodes at that point. I felt I had to choose either go back or quit. My docs would not sign off on more leave even though I had a total of 26 weeks available to me. My one doctor told me one week that I didn't need to go back yet and had plenty of time and then the next week told me to go back and look at it as an experiment! I had been conducting that experiment for months. It wasn't working. So, I quit.

I'm glad I quit. I never intended to have such a demanding job. I originally went looking to supplement Kevin's income. But, it became a challenge. I never wanted a job that kept me away from home almost 12 hours each day, had me working lots of Sundays, had me traveling for trainings all over the place and mandatory meetings. But the thrill of being #1 in my store, in the top 10 in my region dug in and kept me pushing for more and more.

So, I know I made the right decision for myself and my family. But, when we can't pay the bills I revert back to blaming myself for our financial situation.

The only real downside to this is that I don't feel like I'm better. Unfortunately

OK I didn't mean for this post to be a downer!

Goal for the day is to get the contents of my full sized file cabinet put away so we can get it out of the house, then to figure out what to do with the eliptical machine so we can get the paintings hung again and get the tree out. I also need to finish up a few spots on the walls that need to be touched up so I can get a picture of the finished room posted up here! I also need to really set aside at least one real time of prayer. I'm getting good at praying throughout the day but I really feel like I need some time just for prayer and maybe study. Now I'm off to try to get motivated!


Mary333 said...

Panic attacks are brutal, I've had many of these over the course of my life though they are rare now. I thought there was something wrong with me too but the tests all came back fairly normal at the time. I'll keep praying for you:)

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

You made a decision that was right for you at the time; you cannot re-make it, so it makes no sense to blame yourself for not working now. It sounds like you are beating yourself up unfairly. It is amazing how we can be so kind to others and so cruel to ourselves. I am sure that God will watch over you. You sound like a very nice person, the kind that must be special to God. Prayers for you, my friend.

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