Monday, November 2, 2009

A reason

Its been a tough day. I have been dealing with some pretty severe depression for the last week. I have good days and bad days but today was the worst. I wrote in my personal journal earlier today because I was hoping that just getting it out would help. I just have been feeling so hopeless. Like Im unsure what purpose I am serving. I'm much better when Kevin and the kids come home but during the day I have a really hard time. I think about getting a part time job but am still having anxiety problems. I wonder if I should up my medication or cut it back depening. When this all started, depression was not a problem. So, is the depression a result of the aftermath of the anxiety or the medication? lol

Anyway the point of all this is that I was thinking today. Even though I felt utterly useless and wanted nothing more than to crawl in bed until someone came home (which I did.) I thought "wait..." yes, I had been feeling the need to return to Church. But, had this not all happened would I have made it back yet? Would I be going to RCIA classes? Studying Scripture? Trying to pray the Rosary everyday?

I doubt it!

So there you have it! Perhaps this is why. Without this anxiety that can actually hold me prisoner in my own home some days, without this depression that makes it hard for me to even get dressed some days.. I would still be chugging along at work 12 hours each day, never seeing my family, never having time to cook a meal and certainly not going to Mass at least once each week and attending a class plus helping get one together for the kids!

I'll take that as a positive for today and that it means I am exactly where I am suppose to be today.

1 comment:

MightyMom said...

hold tight to knowing that God always has a plan....even when we do not understand.

I found in the midst of depression I had to force myself to get dressed and leave the house for SOMETHING once a day. The longer I stayed indoors the worse I got. Even a walk down the block would help.

Good luck to you

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