Birthday Grace

photo credit: DING52

I feel as if my life is about to change. This could be presumptious of me. It could be a lofty or flighty dream. I could be putting too much emphasis on it. But.. I don't think so.

Sunday, November 21st I will be received into the Catholic Church.

This has been a long journey for me. It started 6 years ago (give or take) at first with a seemingly passing comment made by my daughters friends mother (don't get lost here!) Then with the passing of Pope John Paul II.

Being the analytical person that I am, I began to pick up various books on the Catholic faith. I bought Idiots Guides and Catholicism for Dummies to start. I visited websites, read blogs and watched EWTN. I was curious and learning what I could decipher.

It probably took a year for me to attend my first Mass. I had to understand the concept of each part of the Mass and what to expect before I could get myself to attend. I guess I didn't want to stand out like a sore thumb!

Fast forward 4 or 5 years to my 3rd time in RCIA classes and I was ready. I was ready to commit. I was ready to accept and understand. I was ready to take the big leap!

I wanted to become a true member of the Catholic Church!



photo credit: The Wandering Angel

Here comes the descent... I was guided to the annulment process because I was married and divorced by the time I was 21. I am happily married now but it was not my first marriage. So, the annulment journey began.

At Easter the process was still dragging along, my ex-husband was not cooperating and Easter was here.

My son and all of the members of my RCIA class were being received into the church. I was crushed. I did not even want to attend! I felt silly and ridiculous. I was so proud of my son but watching my class members take their first Holy Communion was very hard for me.

I descended even further. I began to question God. I couldn't understand why this was happening "to me!" Why should it be held against me that I did something before I came to the church. Why couldn't I just be forgiven and move on? Why could some people who didn't even seem to "get it" be able to join while I watched? Did they even realize how BIG this was?

Yes.. it got ugly.

I lost faith.

I acted like a spoiled child.

I started looking for other churches because I was so afraid that it was never going to happen. Eventually I stopped going to church at all.

I watched myself slip further and further into depression.

I slipped into sin over and over again.

I became apathetic

and then one day a letter arrived in the mail from the Tribunal.

photo credit: PinkMoose

It was a simple envelope and it was stamped with big red letters CONFIDENTIAL

I carried it around with me for part of the day.

I was afraid to open it. 

It could be a NO

Then what? I would feel shunned. I would feel unworthy. I would feel like there were things that couldn't be forgiven.

It could be a YES

Then what? I haven't been going to Mass. I haven't been staying in touch with my sponsor. I haven't been making sure my son was at Mass or CCD classes. I haven't had faith. I had been faithless! I had been angry. I had been a spoiled brat throwing a fit!

It was a YES! After some long conversations with my sponsor and dealing with the guilt I felt over my behavior.

I will be going to confession tomorrow and I will be received into the church on Sunday!

I cannot tell you how elated I am. I had knelt in the pews so many times in tears because I wanted to be a part of this community. I wanted to receive Christ and I couldn't.

I realize there are other ways to commune with the Lord and I continue to do so. I am in no way saying that I dealt with this in the right way. I am not saying I had the right thinking. But, this is my story and the next chapter is about to begin!!!