Monday, May 17, 2010

Marriage Mondays

This may be a little off track but will probably turn into a series until I've shared this entire process with you.

I am an infant in the Lord. I am an infant in the Word
I am learning, changing, seeing and hearing differently. My life is a metamorphisis. I believe I am just creating my cacoon and someday with HIS help I will take flight! I will spread my wings and soar.
But enough about ME lol
10 Months ago back in August of 2009 my journey went off on a winding and rocky backroad. I didn't take this turn on purpose. I did not jerk the wheel to the right, I did not signal and there was no road sign. I found myself careening off my comfortable 75 mph life.
Life wasn't perfect, I'm sure I'll get to that sometime. I thought it was close though. I had lost about 1/4 of my body weight, I was taking great care of myself physically. I liked to see myself in the mirror. I landed a sweet job that I loved and excelled at. I was speeding along and picking up new fashions at every turn. I was top in sales with two different wireless companies from practically my first day on the job. I was challenging myself and enjoying the benefits.
In August of 2009 I barely made it to work one morning. I couldn't breathe, I was shaking, I was tingling, I was numb, my heart was racing, my vision blurry and after trying unsuccessfully to calm myself, I let myself in to my store for one of the last times.
This was my 2nd visit to the ER. After an EEG, CAT scan and blood tests were over, I was sent home with no obvious physical problem. The doctor urged me to see a neruologist. Words like Brain Tumor, MS and the like were tossed around like bean bags. I was scared to death and took a short term disability leave to get some testing done.

After MRI's and numerous other neuro tests I was again pronounced physically well. I was diagnosed as being depressed and suffering from panic and anxiety disorder.
This was a huge shock to my type A personality. It wasn't a brain tumor but what was worse to me was that it was ALL in my head! (pun intended)
I made a decision in that month of August to take care of myself. Whatever the cost I was going to do what needed to be done.
I was started on anti-anxiety medication and antidepressants. I quit my job. I surrendered my life to the Lord and my husband. I simply couldn't do anything. I couldn't think, I couldn't make decisions and against everything in me - I finally gave up everything I could not control.
Through that first few months I began leaning on the Lord and leaning on my husband and family. I relenquished control. I stopped worrying about money, jobs, my rank in sales etc.
It was tough. My automatic response has always been to jump right back in feet first. I didn't do it. It was hard not to at some junctures but I sat still. I listened and I trusted.
Here is what I found.
My success was my husbands failure. Now I'm not saying that women can't/shouldn't work, be successful, strive for their goals. I am saying that I would jump in over my husbands head and take charge. This I believe left my husband feeling unworthy, unimportant and useless.
My husband stepped up to the plate and started really concentrated on his job. He made a job change that led to a much better job for his personality. He is truly happy there, loves the people and feels good about himself.
We have had some financial disappointments but through it all I have been able to maintain as much of a positive reaction is possible when you are suffering with depression.
We lost our cellphones. Once I left my job we lost my discount on the phone lines. This caused the bill to skyrocket! We let them go... I let it go. We didn't need 5 cellphones! What was I thinking in the first place!? lol
We lost our natural gas service. This would normally have caused me to go into a frenzy of my "fix it" mentality. However, winter was over. I felt like the things we were losing were not necessities at this point.
My relationship with God, my family - those were necessities. I let it go. I bought a hotplate on sale for $15, drug out the old toaster oven and cleaned out the microwave. It worked! I let it go.
I have started to find a place of peace that I have never known before.
My husband is soaring like never before. He is meeting the needs of his family, he is working hard and he is loving it!
I have found him to be not only happier but more content, more helpful, less critical and generally enjoyable to be around.
The kids no longer try to avoid his gaze and I enjoy sitting and spending every moment that I can with him.
I believe he appreciates this turn of events.

Trust the Lord! You never know what he has in store for us. Trust that it is for the Good always!

1 comment:

LuvtheWord said...

Dear Jules,
Thank you for sharing your story here today. I love "infants." :) And God has given you some great insights. Sometimes we have to have to make room for our husbands to lead and to take flight, and that may mean putting ourselves after them. That's not going to jive with what you hear from the world, but go to God's Word and find encouragement there that you will be rewarded, sweet Jules. I've been reading in James 1:2-8 and have been reminded that God uses our trials to develop maturity in us, to make us strong and teach us to endure. Praise Him that He has drawn you nearer to Him and to your husband in the process.

So glad you shared this on Marriage Mondays today, and I'll be praying for and with you, friend!

~ Julie@comehaveapeace

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