Thursday, March 4, 2010

Fear not!

fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:13

For I, the Lord your God,

hold your right hand;

it is I who say to you, “Fear not,

I am the one who helps you.”
—Isaiah 41:10,13
                           photo from here

OK I have to face up to something that I just realized today. I have been on this merry go-round for the past few months. Trying to learn all I can, trying to develop a prayer life, trying... trying... trying.... But I realized today that the reason for my lack of faith, my reason for not "getting it" is no farther than my own mind. I'm sure that this is always the case and not a lightbulb for anyone but here is what I realized..

I am going through the annulment process. I must finish this before I can enter into full communion with the Catholic Church. I have been in contact with the tribunal a few times in the last 2 weeks. My ex-husband will not provide me with his current address. I have had to provide them with an address where he use to live and I assume someone there is forwarding the mail on to him. He is a good guy but is behind on his child support since moving to Vancouver and I can only guess that this is why he is hesitant to give me the contact info (even though I promised not to give it to anyone but the tribunal.)

So, I realized today as I lay down to take a nap (I'm battling a stomach bug) that I am holding myself back. I am afraid. I know that if the tribunal denies my annulment that I will be unable to join the church. I will be unable to participate in the sacrament of the Eucharist.. I will be unable to feel whole. It is this fear of putting myself out there completely that I believe is causing most of my problems. I am scared to death that my husband and son will be baptised, confirmed and receive their first Holy Communion on Easter Sunday and then two weeks later when I am suppose to join them.. I wont be able to. So, I am digging into this thought today and am feeling sorry for myself lol.

It doesn't seem fair. I have been on the verge of tears since I realized it. The thought of coming all this way just to be turned away at the door seems so cruel. So, there it is! I am afraid. I am trying to come to grips with this now that I realize what it is. That is half the battle right!

I didn't mean to make this post such a downer but it is a profound realization for me today.


Anne said...

No downer at all, it is a very real problem in your heart and soul!

"Dear God, Jules is so close to receiving your body and blood, to being one with you and your family in the church. Please calm her fears and give her the courage to carry on. Assist her with the annulment difficulties she is facing so that her mind will be eased. Keep drawing her close to You and give her the consolations of your love through this journey. We love you and trust that you always have our best interests at heart even when we can't understand them. Thank you for your never ending love. Amen."

Mary B said...

I have been there, done that. I will be praying that you will be able to accept whatever the Lord's will is in this situation. I am doing that RIGHT NOW...please keep me posted. If you wish to discuss privately, leave a comment on my blog with an e-mail address where I can e-mail you. Peace...and may the Lord's will be done!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...