Thursday, December 16, 2010

The clouds that eat at my soul

Photo Credit: Paleontour

Sometimes it seems that depression affects most every day of my life. I know in my heart that this might not be the case. I may only feel this way when the weight is heaviest on me. On the sunny days I might tell you that there are more good days than bad.

Depression for me is a heaviness in my heart. It is tears on my eyelashes. It is taking a long nap every single day. It is a life that sometimes revolves around these four walls.

Everything gets to me. I brood. I hurt. I think too much.

This is a glorious week! It is the kids last few days before "Winter break."
It is the season of Advent!
It is our first real snow accumulation.
It is a time of visiting with favorite relatives from out of state.
It is a time of making candies and wrapping presents.


I make the candies
I wrap the presents
I shop online

and I carry this cloud with me
it hangs over my head
it causes me to cry over everything
it makes me hard to live with

I am hard on myself
yet I allow excuses for everything

I mourn

The good is not lost on me. I berate myself actually because I am so fortunate! I am so blessed! My family is happy and healthy! We have every need met that we could imagine. We have love. We have so many little things even that so many millions of people do not have. I am watching cable. I am on the internet. I own a laptop. We are able to worship openly. There are so many blessings. Some days this makes it even more difficult to deal with these emotions because I KNOW they DON'T MAKE SENSE!


Katie said...

Depression is so hard. And you're right, it doesn't make sense. I empathize with so much of what you've written. *hug* (Oh, I sent you a friend request on fb!)

Thou Art Jules said...

I think that is the hardest part Katie. You cannot logically deal with depression. For an analyzer like myself it's lake a bad joke! lol

Thou Art Jules said...


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