Reading Psalms

Again I feel like there is so much to post about! There might be several posts if I'm up long enough...

Psalms 31:24-25
Love the LORD, all you faithful.
The LORD protects the loyal,
but repays the arrogant in full.
Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

I've been struggling more and more as the weeks go by. I was diagnosed with depression and panic/anxiety disorder in September of last year. I've never been convinced that the diagnosis was accurate given my symptoms. Sure lots of people are stressed and depressed but the physical symptoms I was having really scared me and they increasingly got worse to the point of taking a medical leave of absence from my job which I LOVED dearly! Eventually it lead to my resignation.

This was depressing.

I started having "episodes" back in March or so last year. It was one that sent me to the ER. I had felt funny while getting ready but figured I needed to eat. On the drive in, I started feeling really funny. My vision was messed up kind of like fuzzy and not focused, my chest was heavy, my arms heavy and I thought I was going to pass out behind the wheel. I pulled in to a gas station and waited for my husband to come and take me to the hospital. My bloodpressure was very high but everything else was fine. They did an EKG and blood tests and all were fine.

I went to see my family doctor who diagnosed me with high bloodpressure and immediately put me on high bloodpressure meds.

I would have an episode here and there but by June or July they were increasing to where I felt like this most every day. I would talk myself all the way to work, I would try taking walks during my lunch break, I tried changing what I ate, drank and even started questioning my perfumes! Early in August I had another bad episode and had my manager drive me to the ER. Again nothing was medically wrong with me.

I made an appointment with a neurologist and with a neuro psychologist because by now I was unable to control my fear of the episodes. I literally got to the point where I could not drive. Anywhere! I could not shop at walmart, I couldn't do anything.

Moral of the story. After a CAT scan, EKG, EEG, MRI and various other tests they found nothing and I was put on Zoloft. This did start to knock the edge off of the episodes. I still have them but never as severe. But, the depression set in. My $60,000+ job per year was out the window. I am likely to never get back in there and we were headed quickly to a financial ditch. So..... my doctor added wellbutrin to my daily medications.

But, I still feel mostly the same. Yes, thank the LORD that the episodes do not keep me confined at home BUT... I have absolutely no energy. I don't like to answer my phone. I do not go anywhere that I don't need to go. There are no pleasure trips, no visits for the heck of it. I go strictly where I need to go and nothing more. My sleep is all messed up. I've gained 30 lbs. My house is a disaster. I spend way too much time on the computer and I can't help but wonder what the heck I'm doing! I've been tempted to try to wean off the meds to see what will happen. I plan to talk to my doctor soon.

You'd think Spring would bring me out of my shell... but no, no further than my yard.

Now there are good things too!

I'm back in church. I'm learning so much. I'm not gone all the time. I get to make homemade dinners every night and I'm looking into going back to school to work towards a Bachelors in Theology! There are so many things to be grateful for. This makes it even harder when I feel this way... because I shouldn't!